I leave for France on Tuesday, and I’m not ready.
What does it mean, really, to be ready for something? My bags aren’t completely packed, but they will be, soon. I don’t have a detailed plan of work for while I’m there, but I have ideas, and I think that’s all I need. I’ve taken care of the details: flights and trains and hotels, money and plug adapters. My passport is practically glued to my hand, that’s now nervous I am about forgetting it.
The other day, my grandmother asked me how to say ‘pull’ in French. I felt like the word was on the tip of my tongue; I opened my mouth to say it, but nothing came out. I searched through my mind, at first confident that I could find it. I couldn’t.
I’ve forgotten a lot of the French that I learned in college. When did I lose the word ‘pull’? Last year? 5 years ago? Slowly, and without my knowledge, words have been slipping away. Going back to France makes me realize how much of the language I’ve lost, it makes me wonder how much of the language I can, and will, get back. I think to myself- “Why haven’t I been preparing? Why haven’t I been studying vocab, watching French movies?”
It wouldn’t have mattered. What I learned in France during my first week abroad was equal to or greater than everything I’d learned in the classroom over the previous 7 years. I’ll go back to France and the language will be there. It will be around me, and it will be in my head. The word ‘pull’ might appear, effortlessly, along with all the others that have gotten lost.
But this trip isn’t really about the language. I can focus on not feeling prepared to speak French, but that’s not what I’m really worried about.
I’m worried about having three weeks to chase a dream, and wondering if I can do it. I’m worried about sitting down and writing. I’m worried about how to be an artist.
I’m worried, but my excitement is a bit stronger. I’m excited about giving myself a chance to focus on a dream. I’m excited to see what happens when I sit down and write for three weeks. I’m excited to find out what kind of artist I am, I’m excited to let myself be an artist.
Right now, I’m about as prepared as I’m going to be. It’s time to get to France and speak the language and eat the bread and take some photos and start to write. I’m excited to share this experience, because I think it’s going to be a great one.
Lean into the fear. Really FEEL it, let your body be absolutely consumed by it – and you will probably realize that it is a shadow, a thing that feels really real, but in fact when we turn on the light and make it show itself, it disappears.
And then lean into all of that excitement. Let it fuel you forward – and then enjoy the ride.
I’m very much looking forward to reading about (and seeing) your experience in France. Bon vacances!
Thank you Stef! I agree- if I can really accept the fear, then I’ll find that it’s not really all that bad, or as scary as it seems.
I’m excited for you! The French will all come back. I wish I remembered how to say “don’t worry” in French, but in Spanish it’s “no te preocupes.”
Thanks for the advice! I’ll add it to the list of things I can say in Spanish. 🙂
It’s going to be such a great trip! Have fun. Sam, I remember how to say it (I said it to myself so many times in college and in when I studied abroad): Ne t’inquiete pas! And how about another piece of advice: Enivrez-vous! (http://theampersandblog.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/poetry-enivrez-vous-baudelaire-original-with-translation/)
Thanks Amy, reading that poem was perfect! It made me smile to see it again (I tried reading some aloud in French, and man, is my accent bad!).
Nadine,
Bon Voyage! I was catching up with your blog and so glad to see you posted your final pre-departure thoughts. I hope that you have an amazing time and I can’t wait to hear all the stories! Good luck with the screenplay, er, writing :).
I’m sending you the image of my favorite Frenchman, the painting titled “The Dream” (http://www.wikipaintings.org/en/henri-matisse/the-dream-1940
–S
Thank you Sonal! I’ll let you know how the “screenplay” progresses. 😉 I loved the painting- somehow, seeing it soothed me (the lines, shapes, colors… we’ll have to talk about that one).